Strange but true...

Did you ever
wonder?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Math jokes World's easiest quiz

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You may be an engineer if...

Murphy's Law

 

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate during the night

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Classic humor

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
I started with nothing -- I still have most of it
If all is not lost, where is it?
I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
Remember, half the people you know are below average
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol level
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to touch it
The severity of the itch is porportional to the reach
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile way -- and barefoot.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes


You didn't know you didn't know this!

  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite
  • The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing
  • A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes
  • There are more chickens than people in the world
  • Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey
  • The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." (I thought of "scratched" -- are there more?)
  • On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag
  • All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple
  • All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill
  • Almonds are a member of the peach family
  • Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance
  • Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable
  • There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
  • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
  • Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur
  • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
  • A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours
  • A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds
  • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge
  • It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open (DON'T try this at home!)
  • The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world
  • The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket
  • The average person falls asleep in seven minutes
  • There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball
  • A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear
  • Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother
  • Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants
  • Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand
  • Shakespeare invented the words assassination and bump
  • Marilyn Monroe had six toes (I have ten –or do they mean on one foot?)
  • If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white
  • Women blink nearly twice as much as men
  • The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start
  • A snail can sleep for 3 years
  • American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class
  • The electric chair was invented by a dentist (does that really surprise any of us?)
  • Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world
  • No president of the United States was an only child

    • Math jokes

    111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

    from the Mathematical Digest
    A mathematician called Ben
    Could only count modulo ten
    He said, "When I go
    Past my last little toe
    I have to start over again"

    Old mathematicians never die, they just loose some of their functions
    What's non-orientable and lives in the ocean? Moebius Dick
    "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." Paul Erdos
    Heisenberg may have slept here
    Mermaids wear algaebras
    What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi
    There are three kinds of people in the world -- those who can count and those who can't
    Math and alcohol don't mix, so please don't drink and derive
    Where do mathematicians go shopping? At the decimall, and when they park they put their money in the decimeter
    How many topologists does it take to change a lightbulb? It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot
    What's purple and commutes? An abelian grape
    What's a polar bear? A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation
    Why did the chicken cross the moebius band? To get to the other ... er, um ...
    Heard on an answering machine: "We're sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again"
    Lottery -- a tax on people who are bad at math.
    2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2

    Dear Doctor Science: Why can't you divide by zero? Kitty Evans, Des Moines, Iowa

    I can and often do divide by zero, but only after I've made the necessary preparations. First of all, I fast for 48 hours, consuming during that time only mildly fluoridated water. Next I don my speical teflon division-by-zero suit. Then I put on my digitally recorded compact disc of Gregorian chants and begin with dividing very small numbers by other very small numbers. As the numbers get smaller, the sparks begin to fly. If all goes well, I take a deep breath and divide a very small number by zero. There's a flash of light, a muffled roar, and when I regain consciousness, the lab is filled with smoke and the scent of burning mylar. So, you see, you can divide by zero if you really want to. Chances are....you just don't want to badly enough.

    Useful Measurement Conversions

    Puns

    Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body!
    What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo
    Do you ever feel you are parallel parked in a diagonal universe?
    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender replies, "For you, no charge"
    Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire, the kayak sank. This proves for once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would alwys have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he made a daiquiri with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
    A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men, one reading a book and the other typing on a typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of beasts knows readers digest and writers cramp.
    There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils
    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
    A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    Did you ever wonder?

    Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
    If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
    Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
    How do I set my laser printer on stun?
    How is it possible to have a CIVIL war?
    If ALL the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
    If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
    If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
    If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
    If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
    Why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot them?
    What is that little black box made out of and WHY don't they make the whole airplane out of the stuff?
    If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    If someone with multiple personality syndrome threatens to kill themself, is it a hostage situation?
    Is there another word for synonym?
    Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
    Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
    Why do they report power outages on TV?
    What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    Is it possible to be totally partial?
    What's another word for thesaurus?
    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
    Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
    If the funeral procession is driving at night, do they turn their headlights off?
    If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
    If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
    When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
    Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
    Why is the word abbreviation so long?
    If you are both cross-eyed and dyslexic, can you read normally?

    Strange but true...

    Coca-Cola was originally green
    The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters
    Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury
    Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% -- Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
    City with the most Rolls Royce cars per capita: Hong Kong
    State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
    Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
    Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
    The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910
    The youngest pope was 11 years old
    Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other country
    Guam consumes more Spam per capita than any other country
    A duck's quack doesn't echo, and scientists don't know why?
    In the 1940's the FCC assigned television channel 1 to mobile services (such as two-way radios in taxis). That is why your TV set starts with channel two (do they still?)
    The San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile National Monument
    The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"
    The main library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year, because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of the books that would occupy the building
    Each king in a deck of playing cards is a king from history: Spades--King David, Clubs--Alexander the Great, Hearts--Charlemagne, and Diamonds--Julius Caesar
    The term "the whole nine yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific, whose gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet. If they fired the whole nine yards, they were out of ammo
    The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb
    Hershey's Kisses were named after the machine that makes them, which appears to be kissing the conveyer belt
    The Eisenhower Interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. The straight sections were to be used as airstrips in times of war or emergency
    The name "jeep" comes from the abbreviation used by the army for the general purpose vehicle, "G. P."
    The Pentagon has twice as many bathrooms as needed, since it was built in the forties while Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate facilities for whites and blacks
    The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only 6 inches for every gallon of diesel burned
    Cat's urine glows under a blacklight (who found that out???)
    The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver"
    In Cleveland, Ohio, it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license
    The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan" (my daughter's name is Wendy, named after my childhood friend)
    Thirty-five percent of the people using personal ads for dating are already married
    Fifty-percent of Americans live within 50 miles of where they grew up
    Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
    Each year 44% of American adults go on a diet
    One-third of the potatoes sold are french-fried
    There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun
    The hummingbird is the only bird which can fly backwards
    The only animal besides a human that can get sunburned is a pig
    Polar bears are left-handed
    Your nose and ears never stop growing
    Jupiter is larger than all the other planets combined
    Hot water is heavier than cold water
    The parachute was invented by Leonardo da Vinci in 1515
    Starfish have eight eyes, one at the end of each leg (I thought they had five legs?)
    There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year
    Heinz catsup leaves the bottle traveling 25 miles per year
    In Babylon 4000 years ago, a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his new son-in-law with all the mead (honey beer) he could drink. Since their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or nowadays, the honeymoon
    In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. When customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their pints and quarts and settle down. Nowadays we just say "mind your P's and Q's"
    Many years ago in England, pub cups had a whistle baked into the rim or handle. When a refill was needed, you whistled for service, thus inspiring the phrase "wet your whistle"

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
    PLATO: For the greater good.
    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
    KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
    TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
    SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping nerve gas on it.
    RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
    HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
    LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The white chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be Free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
    MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
    AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
    RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the Chicken did NOT cross the road.
    MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
    JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
    FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
    BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
    OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
    DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
    EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
    RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.
    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
    ARTHUR ANDERSEN, CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the Road was threatening its dominant position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, Capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts And best chickens along with Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in A two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross- median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
    COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

    Computer humor